Category: Humor

Guest Post: How To Write A Successful Novel In 20 Doable Steps

Written by Jimothy Catermeow

  1. Go out and listen to people’s conversations. If you see two people talking quietly, they know more than you do about a great novel idea. Go sit near them and listen in. They’ll probably change the subject when they see you get close, so don’t be afraid to bust them on it and make them tell you their great idea… this is not only a great way to get new ideas, but also to make new friends.
  2. Trying to come up with a great title can be super hard. Go to a public place and start saying your title ideas out loud. You want a title that’s going to grab people’s attention, so when everyone looks at you, you know you have a winner. That’s how I came up with my book title ‘I Have A Bomb You Fricking Idiots Here I Hate You!’
  3. Love yourself. Every time you finish writing a chapter in your novel, don’t be afraid to treat yourself. I personally love printing out each chapter of my book and sending them to my neighbors with no return address. It’s my way of giving back to my community. A side note on this one: If you also want to try this, make sure you don’t accidentally send nudes.
  4. Try acting out a scene that you’re stuck on. For example, in my current novel ‘I Have A Bomb You Fricking Idiots Here I Hate You!’ my main character is a ghost that follows his younger brother around to protect him. This was hard for me to write because I am not a ghost. Also, I don’t have a brother. So I went to the mall one night and followed this teenage boy out to the parking lot to see what my main character could be thinking. I do this every night.
  5. Cry often, and cry loudly. This will help relieve any anxiety you may be having.
  6. Haters will hate. Ignore them when they call you an insane lunatic.
  7. Go to a used bookstore. Sometimes you can get lucky and the cashier will be old and won’t notice if you steal some books for inspiration.
  8. Another great tip is try starting backwards. Go from the back of your book to the front. Try writing: “End The” and see where you go from there. Oxherding_pictures,_No._10.jpg
  9. Try sneaking dialogue from your book into every day conversation. If it flows easily and the person you’re shouting at doesn’t run, you officially have something that grabs a readers attention.
  10. Try punishing yourself whenever you fail. I usually force myself to eat the page I’m working on if it totally sucks. This helps on two levels because 1. you don’t need to stop writing to get snacks and 2. you’re not wasting any paper if you’re using it for food. Also you won’t want to eat paper and so you’ll try not to suck so much.
  11. Write even when it doesn’t make sense and come back to it later. Recently I was stuck on a certain chapter when my character is describing his parents. I never had parents so this was a huge challenge for me. So I kind of froze up and cried when I got to that part. So instead of writing a description I just wrote, “Jimothy looked at his parents. They were blah and if you see how to do this it will be great people love Jimothy.” Sure, on a basic level that doesn’t make any sense… but on another level it will when my project is done probably.
  12. Really put yourself into your character’s shoes. Start telling your coworkers that these things in your book happened to you instead of in your novel. Convince them just like I did that you’re a ghost that was killed in a helicopter accident and that they can’t see you, but you’re here to save your brother from them. This way you feel one with your novel.
  13. Sneak in foreign language. Pick a language that no one speaks and use it for certain words so you sound like a super smarty. Or should I say, use it for certain La Rues so you sound super Paris? 😉
  14. Experience life. There are lots of different kinds of people, try to be all of them one day at a time. For example today my boss and I switched places and he likes it. Right now I’m sitting in my big fancy office listening to Jimothy struggle in the closet with his duck taped arms and legs. He’s having fun, I’m having fun, and I’m learning a lot for my novel ‘I Have A Bomb You Fricking Idiots Here I Hate You!’.
  15. Think of words as calories but instead of trying to reduce the calories try to have more calories. You’ll be thinking you’re eating a huge delicious meal, but you’re actually putting more words on paper. This makes sense.
  16. Being a good writer also can mean being a good liar. Try getting caught shoplifting and getting out of it by telling a beautiful lie. I do this all the time. Just make sure you have at least 20 dollars in case they don’t buy your story. That way you can prove you had intentions of buying the item and just forgot because you’re late to pick up your grandma. I love this one.
  17. Don’t plagiarize
  18. If you have to plagiarize, make sure you change the words enough so no one knows. I bet you couldn’t even tell me what this is from, “A sunflower by any other noun would be as sugar.”
  19. Don’t forget to get your story published once you’re done or no one will read it

 

Jimothy Catermeow is a writer. He writes novels and other things. He will be immensely famous if not for his writings then for the atrocities he commits. Buy his novel ‘I Have A Bomb You Fricking Idiots Here I Hate You!’ when it inevitably releases once he is done with it.